Florida 2.3.2

"It's just so sad" is what she said as began to cry.  It's the same thought I have sitting here on the plane heading home.  It's just so sad.

He is dying.  You can see it.  You can see it in his body.  Hell, he'll tell you as much.  But mostly you can see it in his eyes as they well up thinking about a future without him.  It's just so sad.

But it's also life. And we can choose to dwell on the sadness, or look for something to feel good about no matter how small it might be. I hope my visit was that.  I can't do much from three thousand miles away, but if I can make his day, just that one day, a little brighter, then hopefully I've done something right.

Part of me wishes I would have gone back today.  Particularly after Nana came home after her lunchtime visit with a message from papa to tell me thanks for stopping by.  "Thank God" she said reflecting on him having a smile on his face.  I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.  It makes me want to do both.

I was worried that my visit might not be well received.  That it would piss everyone off and leave a bad memory of him. Instead I have a version of him that I'd never thought I'd see.  I don't know whether death tricks you into somebody your not, but for those two hours, I saw a version of Doug I hadn't seen before.  He's still not perfect. No one is.

If embody my inner Doug and keep doing what I want, then I think I've got some freedom to do more.  I think I'll start simple with just a letter.  I'm not sure what I'll right, but it'll be something honest, something lighthearted and something that just might put a smile on his face.

I'd like to do the same for Nana.  Lauren has spoke often of helping out with Grandpa Lloyd.  Just bringing him groceries or showing up to say hello and chat.  Nana seems in need of that, but all I could do was fix the closed captioning on her TV.  Her eyesight and hearing seem to be on the verge of going, so although today didn't seem any different than usual, those issues are on her way.  And with that, she'll need help.

So, what's next?  I'm not exactly sure, but I do know that I can't just walk away from this with only a memory.  There's got to be more to it, but what, I'm not yet sure.