Florida 2.2

Where do I even start.  Probably not with a sentence like that, but whatever.  The deed has been done, mission accomplished.  And it went remarkably well.

I don't know that I can honestly say that my biggest fear coming into today was what Papa's reaction would be.  I'm not sure I was fearful of anything.  But those that came before me all left with the same, silent result.  So, while I felt I could accomplish something different, that didn't mean I didn’t have a storm of emotion running through my body. 

I had decided early on that I would try to be at his "home" around eight.  The idea was to try and miss Nana so that I could not only get one-on-one time with him, but to also simply things.  That's been a theme of this trip: Don't tell anybody I'm coming…it's simpler that way. 

I think I finally came to this morning around 7:30 with a nice reminder of the several beers the night before.   But, no matter, it was mission time.  I dragged my feet a little and finally got out of here around 8:30.  The drive was a straight shot up US41, ending up off Pelican Bay at a place called Glenview.  I had probed Lauren for info on his whereabouts and condition yesterday, so while I knew the building and that he had been doing well, I didn't know the room or whether he'd gotten worse recently. 

Florida decided to welcome my big day with rain and wind.  But, once you know Florida, you know that a storm never lasts.  And so after walking by his room a few times wondering what the hell I was doing, I finally popped in and said "Hi Papa".  The look he gave me was exactly what I imagined he'd given the grandkids prior to me: a blank stare, seemingly devoid of emotion, but with some complex cauldron of anger and yearning bubbling underneath.  And so for a split second, I thought "uh-oh".  But the situation changed quickly.  He smiled, said my name and something like "what are you doing here".  I went to sit down in a chair only to be immediately told to move closer so he could hear.  And just like that, I was in.

Part of me says I should recount the whole of the conversion we eventually had.  But, I I think that results in boring reading.  Perhaps I'll get there eventually, but for now, it's more about the moment.  And this moment lasted about two hours; two hours of emotion, two hours of laughing, telling stories and watching him, for the first time in my life, shed a tear.  This was Papa at his most raw.

It strikes me now, at the end of the day, that I got to spend 40 years getting to know my grandfather.  I can't say that I was particularly interested in doing that all those years, but I do feel fortunate to have had so much time.  With mom and dad having me young, I think I've taken for granted having both sets of grandparents around for most my life.  But, while taking that for granted, I also admittedly didn't push getting to know them better.  Part of it was simply proximity: living in Chicago and L.A. and eventually the other side of the world in St. Paul.  But, these past several years, for me at least, I've felt the pull to get to know what I have left better.  It helps that Papa is no shirking violet, so you only have to sit down in front of him for the conversation to start flowing.  And while I can't say I've come away from all this with any grand life lessons, I have a greater appreciation for who we, the Johnsons, are.  And I think that important.  It's important to know where you came from, and to understand the dynamic that is our family. 

And if I thought I knew plenty coming into today, I left knowing even more.   Such as?  He started Midwest Business Products at 40 years old.  I'm 40 years old!  He had over a $100K in capital at that time to start the business, which now might be about $500K.  (No conversation with Papa is devoid of dollars)  So much for funding a fledgling business via a credit card.  The man knew what he was doing. 

He spoke often today about the importance of family.  Why didn't he ever belong to a country club?  Besides feeling like most guys were there to drink, he didn't have time to golf because he was more interested in spending time at home, with the fam.  This is me reading into his comments, but it's as if his reason for having a home on Lake Sweeney in Golden Valley was more about giving his kids a playground rather than some sort of status. 

When I worked at Midwest back in high school, working in the warehouse filling orders for all the schools they were doing business with, I remember that people feared Doug.  He had a tongue that would make a sailor blush and expected highly of everyone.  But to me, he was Papa.  And around this time, the 2nd set of grandkids started coming around: Nick, Marissa, Alex, Erica, Dana… and he doted on those kids.  Man, he was at his happiest when they were around.  And it becomes clearer now: a family man.

Which is why I still struggle with his desire not to see these same grandkids.  Don't get me wrong, I understand it on the face of it.  He's the patriarch…leave them remembering you at your most full.  But, wouldn't he be happier?  Perhaps not though…for as much as he seemed today to accept the inevitable, it still clearly made him very sad.  Anytime the conversation veered toward Nana or a grandchild, he got very emotional.  But, I still can't help thinking that spending whatever time has left simply being with his grandkids, would make his days a little more joyful. 

At the end of it though, he was glad I came.  And I was as well.  It'll be a moment I won't soon forget.  

I've debated whether to go back tomorrow, but I think I won't.  For most, I'm sure this would be a stupid question.  Why the hell wouldn't you?  Spend every last minute you can with him!  Give him some remedy from the monotony that must be his day.  But, I can't help but believe there's something different about this situation.  It's been so difficult to simply get this far, and after walking away happy, I don't want to ruin that.  Perhaps that's selfish, but after listening to Papa tell me more than once today about his "me-first" approach to life, I guess I'm simply going to a take that advice.   The apple doesn't fall far the tree, I guess.